my dreams, my wishes

Yeap, those are the 2 exact phrase that keeps on lingering on my thoughts day in day out especially nowadays thanks to the twilight novel... no scrap that, thanks to the sucky reality that is my life.

I've often wondered in life, if ever i would get what i want, what i wished for since i was a school girl... not to be whiny but the fact is I've merely ever get what i wish.... I've always wanted to be an actress but hell... i look like hell... yeap i'm ugly, well not that ugly but average face type would be the exact description of how i look and not to mention i am waaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy lacking in the self confident department that m sure i won't even handle being in front of the spotlight.... but still... a girl can only dream of being an actress... why would i want that? welll for 1 thing is the fame, the things that you can do in which an average ordinary human being can't do (I have a lot of things i'd like to do but i think is impossible to do in this lifetime anyway due to my ugliness), the people you'd get to hang around with (yeah I could only imagine.... dream on girl!) but what's important is the things that you could change through it... it's like just cause you're famous you can do whatever you want and cause changes in any thing that you are passionate about (of course I'm talking bout the positive changes that we could make or rather I could make if only I'm an actress) but sadly... i'm just an ordinary original very average person who can only dream to do things that she dreams about and how dare her some people would probly say to have this kind of dreams..... yeah reality sux and its crushing all my hopes hell.... its crushes all my motivations for life n now i sound like a depressed person....!!!!

gotta sign out before i manage to depress myself even further



a

Something to muse upon

Was doing my usual job reading the news when I came upon this article from Kompas.com... unfortunately it's in indonesian soooo.... enjoy :)

....
Gadis itu sedang beristirahat di depan sebuah pertokoan tak jauh dari terminal. Dia mengenali wajah beberapa orang yang terlihat hilir mudik di pertokoan itu. Bukan karena mereka benar-benar kenalannya, tapi karena ia terlalu sering duduk di depan pertokoan, dan mereka terlalu sering berbelanja.

Seperti wanita cantik yang selalu kelihatan modis itu. Dia membawa banyak tas belanjaan di kedua tangannya. Seperti biasa pula, dia akan duduk di kafe sebelah pertokoan untuk menunggu sang supir datang dengan mobil sedannya. Lalu, hal yang tak biasa terjadi. Dia memanggil si gadis pengamen yang sudah sejak tadi, tidak, tepatnya sejak berminggu-minggu lalu, selalu menatap sinis padanya dari kejauhan.

Gadis itu mengambil tempat duduk di hadapan si wanita cantik. Tanpa berbasa-basi, wanita itu berkata,
“Berhenti memandang orang seperti itu…” Wanita itu meletakkan segelas moccachino yang baru diteguknya.
“Memandang seperti apa?” Gadis itu keheranan.
“Pandangan itu. Skeptis. Sinis. Kamu harus lebih sering berbicara dengan orang lain…”
“Maaf Tante, ini tentang apa ya?” Gadis itu masih tak mengerti.
Seolah tak perduli, wanita itu terus melanjutkan perkataannya.
“Buka pandanganmu lebih luas. Kamu akan menemukan dan kemudian paham, bahwa dunia ini, tak cuma dipenuhi orang-orang jahat. Tak semua orang tak peduli. Mungkin, jenis orang-orang yang tak kau sukai itu memang bertebaran di muka bumi ini, tapi kamu tahu? Orang sepertimu juga tak sedikit. Orang yang sibuk mempertanyakan banyak hal, sibuk membenci semua orang…”

Ditatapnya wanita yang sejak tadi dia rasakan tengah menegur dirinya. Dia telah mengerti apa yang dimaksud wanita itu. Meski terdengar sok tahu, tapi entah bagaimana, wanita itu seolah bisa mengetahui apa yang dipikirkan dan dirasakan dirinya.
“Aku beritahu padamu. Yang sebenarnya Kamu benci bukan mereka, tetapi nasib dan ketidakberdayaanmu sendiri. Nikmati saja hidup, tak peduli betapa tak beruntungnya dirimu, tak peduli bila tak ada yang mau memperhatikanmu…”

Supir sudah datang dengan mobil sedan silver-hitamnya. Tanpa menunggu perintah, dimasukkannya tas-tas belanjaan itu ke dalam mobil. Sang majikan memintanya menunggu di dalam mobil.
“Seharusnya Tante juga yang paling mengerti bahwa semua itu tidak mudah. Praktik selalu lebih sulit daripada teori bukan? Tante butuh berapa lama untuk menyadari semua?” Kali ini, si gadis berbalik seperti memahami wanita itu, yang sejenak, memperlihatkan raut wajah terkejut.
Wanita itu tidak menggubris pertanyaan terakhirnya.
“Memang sulit, tapi bukan tidak mungkin. Membayangkan dirimu akan kehilangan banyak momen indah dalam hidup, mungkin akan membantumu kembali berpikir”
“Aku tidak punya apa-apa, apa yang bisa hilang?”
Wanita itu menghela napas.
“Kalau kamu terus begitu, mungkin kemanusiaanmu yang akan hilang. Bila Kamu begitu membenci sesuatu, hanya ada dua kemungkinan. Kelak Kamu benar-benar menghindari sesuatu itu, atau sebaliknya Kamu menjadi bagian dari sesuatu itu.
Kamu masih muda. Ubah stereotyping mu terhadap orang-orang, karena pikiranmu itulah yang akan terus membuatmu tersakiti.”

Wanita itu bangkit dari duduknya. Dia membuka tas dan mengambil sebuah amplop berisi sejumlah uang yang telah dipersiapkannya untuk diberikan ke sebuah yayasan.
“Ini untukmu. Lanjutkan sekolah.”

Si wanita baru akan beranjak pergi, ketika gadis itu berkata sesuatu yang mengejutkannya.
“Ada kemungkinan ketiga bukan? Menghindari sesuatu itu, dengan menjadi bagian darinya. Tante memilih itu…”
“Hidup hanya hitam putih. Manusia memilih abu-abu. Sudah biasa kan?” Kata wanita itu tanpa memalingkan wajah pada si gadis. Dia tersenyum dan berjalan menuju mobilnya.
“Ke yayasan, Nyonya?” Tanya si supir.
“Nggak. Kita ke ATM dulu…”
Gadis itu masih memegang amplop.
Tujuh juta rupiah.

Dia masih terpana, memandangi mobil si wanita yang sudah tak tampak lagi di depan mata. Uang itu serta merta membuat pikirannya penuh dengan berbagai rencana. Semua masih samar. Hanya sebuah rencana yang tergambar jelas di pikirannya. Dia akan membangun kembali fondasi bentengnya, kali ini tanpa material benci dan dendam. Dia tahu, pembangunan itu akan menghabiskan banyak malam…

Well I've quoted only a part of it though, just the wonderful part of it ^^

a

random thoughts at 12:11 AM

I don’t wanna be alone, but does not want being alone means it justifies the act of accepting another human being namely a spouse with the whole 9 yard package, the whole good n bad that we’re suppose to go through with them. Does it justify the fact that we might get hurt in the future because of that so called spouse. Does it justify the potential of being betrayed, cheated, hurt in ways never imagined before just to not want to live life alone?

Marriage, a sacred word that I’ve come to loath today. I’ve had my shares of bad relationships n good ones as well, but it mostly ends up bad. Men, a being that god creates in which women ‘so called’ can’t live without but yet again tend to hurt my kind in ways unimaginable.

Should I accept the fact of ‘the one’ person whom I’m suppose to be with n accept his flaws as well as allow myself to become vulnerable again, trusting that so called ‘the one’ would actually take care of me through the good n the bad till death do us apart? Or would he actually be the one just to fill that gap, that emptiness and avoid being alone for the rest of my life?

Will I be able to risk it all again?

Will I let myself seize the 2 faced opportunity?

Or will I keep my guard and walls up and end up being alone?

Whatever the choice is, I don’t have to make it now as I haven’t even found that potential ‘the one’ at this very moment.

But will you promise me god to provide the answers for me?

That’ll only be a prayer in which I hope god will provide the answer…. IF there is actually a god somewhere out there.

Man! Am I becoming an atheist more n more each day n rattles aimlessly?

Oh well, I guess it’s time for me to sleep!

But before I go, here’s a song by Lost Prophets that makes me question the reason of our existence in life.

LOSTPROPHETS


"Rooftops"

When our time is up
When our lives are done
Will we say we've had our fun?

Will we make a mark this time?
Will we always say we tried?

Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out.
Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out.
Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out.
This is all we got now
Everybody scream your heart out.

All the love I've met
I have no regrets
If it all ends now, I'm set

Will we make a mark this time?
Will we always say we tried?

Will we make a mark or will we always say we try?

Guess we’ll never actually know till our life ends.

Can we actually say that we’re set to go if life ends now?

I don’t think I’m set yet, and I actually intend to make a mark in this life, but how is yet something I need to establish. That sux! Life just sux as it is :(

Graduation Cold Feet

I know that they usually use the term 'cold feet' for weddings but believe it or not, I'm having cold feet for graduation or rather a great anxiety towards it... there's a lot hanging around my mind right now, ideas twirling around here n there, after all it was somewhat 4 years of my life that was spent there, friends, ex friends, boyfriends no wait scratch that exes.... damn! I'm anxious to actually have to through that period... I'm scared! for crying out loud I wanna scream n juz runaway n hide n fast forward everything until the end of that day... y am I anxious... well there's this 1 big question mark nor rather gray cloud, hanging around my head, will i be building bridges with ppl i cross on the wrong path or will I be burning that bridge further... damn! I hate it...! I hate the possibility of it becoming the worst day of my life... but nI don't think that it will ever be the happiest day of my life... after all usually... after having the happiest day, i usually get the worst! can't say vice versa though, sadly... sighz..... >.<

I guess the big frustration is coming from the fact that I'm not ready to meet with my nemesis's and perhaps foe's that i've made, intentionally nor accidentally during the period of my campus life... nevertheless I can only hope n pray for the best.... T_T

clarity

I just wish the world works in a way of clarity, plain black and white and not all gray because it would help ease the head ache of interpreting the gray area that are presented to my face! I mean seriously I love clarity for every reason, life, work, love, all aspect of life.
It's frustrating how people can not say the obvious and rather play around the bush presenting us with words and not facts which results in the gray area... I f***ing hate not being able to understand the subtle meaning of everything in life! aaaahhhh!!!!!

bad bad feeling

have you ever feel weird or like something bad is going to happen? because i'm feeling one right now, this really weird awkward feeling, feels like my stomach's being twisted juz cause this really really bad weird feeling, I hope nothing bad is going to happen today, but who knows what the future holds anyway, all i could do is just pray and be prepared, i honestly seriously hate this feeling, i just wish that it would go away soon! :(

random thoughts about friendship

I just finished watching bones finale for the 3rd season, at the end of it something deep occur to me... how it hurts being betrayed by a friend (fyi zach did kill that guy, if u don't know what I'm talking about, watch bones season 3 episode 15 :P)

Sooo.... I begin searching throughout the internet and here are the definitions I've manage to extract on what friendship means:

friend·ship
–noun 1. the state of being a friend; association as friends: to value a person's friendship.
2. a friendly relation or intimacy.
3. friendly feeling or disposition.
(dictionary.com)

well anyway I wasn't here to talk about what friendship means literally, but I'm gonna talk about what being backstabbed by someone you consider as friends (friends actually means more than just acquantance where you just meet and greet for all that is necessary, friends has a deeper emotional meaning for me)

so back to betrayed, how many times were you let down by your dear friends? yet you extend your hands again when they realize they made a mistake and ask for forgiveness... but then again till when will you keep doing this? when will you say enough is enough and hit the conclusion that a certain friends are not worth keeping?  

but then again, who hasn't been backstabbed? so I'm gonna ask your opinion what it feels being betrayed by your dearest friends?

I'll start with how I feel, hell I'll define what 1 among all the definitions of betrayed means to me [remember this is only 1, it's not a benchmark, it's an example! =) ] and how it hurts knowing your dearest friend betrayed your trust.

TBH it freaking hurts a lot, I have to hear from other people that my friend is actually already in the same country as I am, I have to hear from another friend that they are back with their ex (although you've asked them subtly more than once). If you say that I'm in the illusion that friends has to know everything, well I'm not saying I need to know everything about my friend, it's just what needs to be known, after all being in a relationship is a good thing to share (well unless you're ashame of your relationship) and worst being in the same country as you and you don't wanna tell me... well I guess i misjudged that friendship and you're not worth being friends with.... hah i'm rambling again... just letting out my frustrations regarding certain friends that i could never understand why am I still friends with them, call me stupid, i don't care but know for sure that you don't count as my friend anymore, you're just an acquantance to me...! :) 

I miss my ex :(

yep.. I miss talking to him in a friendly manner, not more than that but yeah i do miss u.... don't misunderstand me... not u my recent, my other ex :P -.-

My current thought about marriage

Marriage....
I guess I'm currently allergic to the thoughts of it... it's not I don't want to get married, which honestly I do, but somewhere in the long run... it's just... I doubt the institution of marriage itself.
More than common we heard that even after taking vow in front of god (yeah on the contrary... I do believe in God! thought sometimes I come across as a non believer! hah!!!... :P) people still have the tendency to have affairs... I mean how could you do that...?!?! you have taken vow in front of god, to cherish, love n respect, yada blah! but still you have the thoughts of hurting your other half by having affairs..! not only adultery is a b**** ah I meant big sin! BIG BIG one! but also, have you forgot about that f***in vow you made in front of god, your relatives, her/his relatives and parents as well? or or maybe people should engrave their vows and hang it in their bedroom wall, so next time you wake up in your room, you'lll remember about that freaking vow you yourself made!

Ok, the next thing why i doubt the institution of marriage is 'cause sometimes (yeap sometimes, not most of the time or always...! duh!) I think soulmate of your other half is only meant for a certain period of time, not a lifetime guarantee that everyone think it comes with... I mean seriously, how else could you explain a couple who was madly in love when they 1st got married to becoming within each others throat in the next say... years to come...?

Last, I've also heard the say that when a man gets married its the end of their elementary or school years or whatever blah they said and WELCOME to reality... I mean for the love of god, seriously! what about women... I personally think, being attached to someone that is sometimes (see! I'm trying to be politically correct here, sometimes not most of the times cuz it doesn't come in all cases) a burden to her or even boss you around even though today is the modern days where emancipation isn't a taboo or an alien word that people haven't heard of, or or when the men underestimates the women just because she choses to become a housewife or domestic wife, or whatever term that is and take care of their children and yet men tends to not be thankful that their children (yes their own f***in blood) is being treated well by their wife not by a nanny who might have a double face(sweet when ur around but abuses your children! bah! -.-) has the nerve to have affairs... (u might wonder y the hell do i have problems with affairs, the answer is, its just a freaking random thought for god sake! but it's f***in true!) and disregard their wife emotionally, mentally and physically ( u might caught an STD due to your extramarital activities and yet your infecting your innocent wife, damn men!) yet still they have the nerve to say that marriage is a ticket to reality... well guess what men out there... its the freaking same thing happening to us! so stopp being a selfish, egocentric creature in earth and try to be a lil bit considerate....!